Saturday, October 3, 2009

Conquering the Fear!

From Jenna:

So far, the biggest challenge I've encountered is waking up and conquering the fear. It actually right now is even bigger than the challenge of paying the bills, because for now, we're still ok on that. But the uncertainty in the future - the desperation to make this work - that's the hardest thing so far. And being a new mom, I have a very scattered brain to begin with, and very little time to devote to thinking clearly or working without interruption to make significant headway on anything. The days seem to merge into one another and yet I look down at my son, lying on my lap as I type right now and realize that these moments with him are the best paychecks of all.

I reflect on all the times in my life so far where I felt more scared than ever, where things felt more desperate than ever, where the world was ending once again. And then I remember the sunrise that always follows where the clouds break and you can't believe it, but just before you emerges a way, a light, peace that you couldn't have predicted.

If someone asks me what my biggest crutch is, it's an easy answer - the amount that I worry. It's taken me from so many moments and that angers me, but yet it continues to occur. I want to teach my son to live without fear and I know the best way I can is to be the example.

So as I sit here and hold my breath, I am going to remember to reach for the oxygen mask that is hope, faith. It sounds so cliché, but really, is there anything else? There's so much in this life that is bigger than we are, bigger than all of us together. In the empty moments, in the moments just before the breath taking miracles occur, these things exist when we allow them to be, when we give them life.

I gave life to my son, and this in turn gave life to my heart. Now I must learn and teach us both how to nourish the unseen; knowing and believing with all my heart that these are the moments before the miracles.

1 comment:

  1. youve gone and made me CRY! So beautifully articulated. I teared up on your last paragraph - so true and beautiful.
    You're doing GREAT. Believe in yourself - with that ANYTHING is possible. I know this blog will be an inspiration to MANY mothers out there who are too scared to do what you and jenna are doing. You will inspire them not just with your tips and suggestions, but with your honesty, strength, frailty in your nervousness and doubt, but fire in your passion and belief in yourself!